SweeneyTodd:the Other Version not Seen in Theaters
by PhantomVarg
Summary: Yet another parody of Sweeney Todd. Only this one's better than the rest! A heartwarming story in which Pirelli sells Viagra, Johanna kills birdies, Anthony just isn't alowed to sing, and the Beadle has the hots for Turpin! Plus loads more! Enjoy!
1. London: there's no place like it!

Hey everyone! Takhi Kacee and Phantom Sam here!

We're here to bring you another parody of an awesome movie with ideas that have been ripped out of the dark, sick, and twisted depths of our minds. In other words, yes, we shall ruin another classic film. xD

To those who are easily offended and can't take a joke, DON'T READ THIS!! And if you shudder at jokes made toward Sweeney Todd, click that little X in the right corner of your window. Thank you.

And now, without further adieu, Takhi and Phantom present "Sweeney Todd: a Far More Sicker Version than Seen in Theaters!" bows intro music

--

_Organ music brings up the beginning scene. It's the dark, shit town called London. Yay. Ah, we arrive at Mrs. Lovett's and Sweeney's…deli? He has a deli now? Oh right! We decided he should, lol! The camera pans over to the infamous meat grinder. Oh look, there's someone in there. Aw, he's screaming. He's grinded through, and the meat plops out onto the ground. Fresh pies are pulled out of the oven. Mmm, people pies! Now we view the meat slicer in the deli; People are getting sliced into fresh cold cuts, yum. The scenery fades to black and the credits role, reading:_

**Directed and Written by**  
Sam "Phantom" Gombas and Kacee "Takhi" Blackmer

**Starring **  
Johnny Depp  
Helena Bonham Carter  
...and everyone else that also had a part in the film.

Rawr.

**Sweeney Todd  
(A far more sicker version than seen in theaters.)**

Enjoy!

--

_The black screen opens up to the dark sea with no land in sight. In the middle of this ocean is a floating door, and on this floating door sits Sweeney Todd, his head drooped, his eyes glaring. Mr. Todd just got back from his "holiday" in Australia, and he's pissed! A ship sails by him. The famous Captain Jack Sparrow peers over the side._

**Jack:** Oy mate, who're you?

**Sweeney:** I'm Todd, Sweeney Todd.

**Jack:** Where do you come from, that you have to sail on a door?

**Sweeney:** Australia.

_The word "Australia" makes Jack gasp and quickly whip around to Barbossa._

**Jack:** Barbossa! Quickly! Go go go!!

**Barbossa:** What be your problem?

**Jack:** He's from Australia!!

**Barbossa:** _with a shocked look_ Oh SHIT!

_He grabs the wheel of the ship and quickly veers it away, only to smash into a random iceberg. The crewmembers shriek as the ship sinks in seconds. Then 50 rabid sharks, foaming at the mouth, appear in an instant and devour the pirates. As they finish off the crew members, they approach Mr. Todd. He stares at one as it lifts his head out of the water with a foam-dripping grin._

**Sweeney:** Australia.

_The sharks shriek like schoolgirls swim away in a shot. Sweeney sighs. Then, from behind, another ship comes. Sweeney turns his head to look and screams as it crashes into his door and sends him flying into the water._

_Later, some fishermen onboard pull up fishing net. In the bundle of fish lies Mr. Todd with a very displeased face. The net is plopped down onto the deck. Sweeney flops around with his eyes bulging and gasping for air. He suddenly remembers that he is not a fish. Anthony approaches and Sweeney stand up with an embarrassed grunt. But, unfortunately, his hair does not rise with him. He feels his bald head and whips around to see a fish flopping on the deck with his wig in his mouth._

**Sweeney:** _grabs fish _Give me my hair back!

_The fish holds on tight. Sweeney begins to bash the fish against the ship and bites down on its back and rips out a chunk like Bear Grylls. He laughs manically and yanks his wig out from the fish's mouth and places it gently on his head. He turns to Anthony and fish guts run down his mouth as he speaks._

**Sweeney:** Well, hello!

**Anthony:** _reluctantly_ Hi.

**Sweeney:** I'm Sweeney Todd.

**Anthony:** Anthony. And you're from?

**Sweeney:** Australia.

**Anthony:** Oh. That explains it.

**Sweeney:** Tell me, where are we headed now?

**Anthony:** Oh, London, my friend.

_Closer up on Sweeney's face as it twists with anger. The scene taints red and the Kill Bill psycho-ish theme plays. Sweeney growls. Anthony walks over to the front of the ship._

**Anthony:** _singing_ I have sailed the world, beheld its-

_Sweeney shoves Anthony over the edge._

**Anthony:** AAAGGHHHHH!!

**Sweeney:** My movie. _smiles_

_Sam and Kacee run out of nowhere and shove Sweeney over the edge to join Anthony._

**Sam & Kacee:** Our parody!

**Kacee:** Uh oh.

**Sam:** What?

**Kacee:** We just shoved Johnny Depp off of the ship.

**Sam:** Oh… Shit.

**Kacee:** _pausing_ Coffee?

**Sam:** Sure!

_Both sprint away. The scene switches to Sweeney who, somehow, has ended up on the streets of London. He thinks nothing of the randomness and stamps through the streets._

**Sweeney:** _singing_ There's a whole in the world like a great black pit and it's…

_A shadow appears behind him and he turns his head to look. It's a young girl. He continues singing._

**Sweeney:** …filled with people who are filled with shit and…

_He glances back to see another girl joining the first one. He picks up his pace._

**Sweeney:** …vermin of the world inhabit…

_He glances back again. The two girls has suddenly become a mob of girls. They scream with excitement and charge at him._

**Sweeney:** AAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!! _flees with his arms swinging in the air_

_The camera switches angles and we watch from above. There's one little dot, that's Mr. T, followed by a thousand other dots, all raging fan girls. A helicopter appears, and riding in it are Sam and Kacee…again. We appear here and there. Cameos, hahaha!! Both wear sunglasses, protective bullet-proof gear, and hold machine guns. The song "Headstrong" by Trapt blasts as they jump from the helicopter, revealing a man holding a boom box. The two glide down and land between Sweeney and the fan girls._

**Sam:** We got your back, Mr. Todd!

**Kacee:** Damn right!

_Both grin wildly as they begin to shoot out all the fan girls. They drop like flies as the guns go off. Sam suddenly pulls out a bazooka and fires it at the last 500 fan girls. All the bodies, dead or (barely) alive fly and splatter against the wall. Kacee and Sam smile and turn to Sweeney, who stares, completely baffled. Both give him a thumbs up and leap back into the helicopter. How can we do that, you ask? We're writing: we can do anything!! Sweeney continues to stare until drool drips down his chin. Then he shrugs and turns, only to walk into the side of the building._

**Sweeney:** Ow. _straightens nose out_


	2. Bad Pies : My Shiny Precious

_It's Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Shop. Sweeney walks through the door. A woman is slumped over the counter, covered in flour, with a bottle of ale in her left hand. She sees him and tries to move._

**Mrs. Lovett:** _gasp_ Sir! Pies! RAH! _falls off counter, not moving_

_Sweeney looks at her in confusion. Suddenly Mrs. Lovett pops up and begins to sing._

**Mrs. Lovett:** _singing_ Wait what's yer rush? What's yer hurry? Blah blah blah. Sit! _kicks Sweeney into a chair_ SIT! Did'ja come in fer a pie, sir?

_She hands Sweeney a pie and continues singing. He takes a bite, and begins to vomit violently goes into convulsions. Mrs. Lovett, still singing, prances to a shelf to fetch Sweeney some ale. But what she thinks is a bottle of ale is really a bottle of Atomic Hot Sauce. She grabs a mug, pours the sauce into it, and skips over to Sweeney._

**Mrs. Lovett:** _singing, still_ Here drink this, you'll need it!

_He takes a sip. His sickened expression turns blank and smoke swirls out of his ears. He opens his mouth to scream but flames burst out instead. He twitches and falls to the floor, convulsing again. Meanwhile Mrs. Lovett is so into her song that she fails to notice the seizures of Sweeney Todd. He crawls over to the counter and reaches for a glass of water that is sitting there. But as his shaky hand comes close to taking it, Mrs. Lovett picks it up, takes drink, and tosses it over her shoulder. Sweeney's hand curls into a fist and flops down out of sight behind the counter._

**Mrs. Lovett:** _singing_ Ah sir, times is… _stops singing_ Sir? _looks around_ He must've left.

_She goes into the back room as Sweeny convulses for the next three hours and passes out for the last two. Five hours later the hot sauce wears out. Yup, it's THAT strong. He stumbles to his feet and stomps to the back room. Mrs. Lovett is watching T.V. with her feet elevated. She sees Sweeney._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh sir, you came back!

**Sweeney:** I NEVER LEFT! You left me on the floor for five hours!! You gave me hot sauce!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Are you sure?

**Sweeney:** I think I would know!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh, sorry. Well… here's a pie. _holds out one_

**Sweeney:** _vomits violently again_

**Mrs. Lovett:** What's so bad about these pies? _opens a flap of crust_

_A creature made of lard and animal carcasses reaches out a grotesque claw out of the pie, snarling. She quickly closes the crust._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh, these are bad pies. _tosses it_ Oh well. C'mon, I have Pepto Bismol in the next room!

_She grabs Mr. Todd by his shirt and drags him to the next room. As she walks down the hall, she begins singing the Pepto Bismol song._

**Mrs. Lovett:** _singing_ Nausea, heartburn, indigestion. Upset stomach, diarrhea! YAY PEPTO BISMOL!!

_She throws him into a chair and pours some Pepto Bismol into a cup. He looks on in horror because the label reads "EXPIRED"._

**Sweeney:** Is that a room upstairs?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Yuppers!

_She gives Sweeney the cup and outs the bottle back in the cupboard. He tosses the expired medicine over his shoulder._

**Sweeney:** If times are so hard, why not just rent it out?

**Mrs. Lovett:** What does this place look like? A freakin' Hilton Hotel?! Besides, no one goes up there! People say it's haunted.

**Sweeney:** Haunted?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Yes! _holds flashlight under her face _By ghosteses!

**Sweeney:** Wtf…?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Ya' see, something happened up there. Something very… _in a Freaky Fred voice_ …naughty.

_She begins to sing again and Mr. Todd groans and clutches his head. He hates all the singing, haha!_

**Mrs. Lovett:** _singing_ There was a barber and his wife… and he was… HOT!!

_She stops singing and goes all fan girlish. Sweeney looks horrified again, remembering the fan girls from the docks._

**Sweeney:** Why do I always get the crazed fans??

**Mrs. Lovett:** OMG!! His face was sculpted by angels, and blah blah blah blah and he likes sharp and shiny things and blah blah blah blah I stalked him blah blah. Oh, and Judge Turpin sent him to Australia!

**Sweeney:** _twitching_ What was his crime?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh… I dunno. ; But after that, Turpin had some "fun time" with his wife, Lucy. She wasn't happy about that, so she took a cricket bat and tried to bludgeon him to death, but she tripped and hit her head on a rock. She lost her mind and fell off a bridge into the jaws of a waiting shark. Oh, and now Turpin has the hots for his daughter Johanna. He keeps her prisoner in his house! What a twisted tale, no?

_Sweeney stands still, wide-eyed and speechless. His lip starts to tremble and he collapses into a sobbing, thrashing tantrum on the floor._

**Sweeney:** NUUUU!! NNUU!! Omg, my little Johanna, my poor Lucy! WHHHYYYY?? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…………….!!

_He curls into the fetal position and begins sucking his thumb. Mrs. Lovett, realizing that Sweeney is really Benjamin Barker, squeals and envelopes him in a bear hug, choking him in the process._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh, Benjamin! It IS you! You're back! I can't believe it! Squeeee!

**Sweeney:** Let go of me you crazy bitch! _gasp, gag_ I can't breathe!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh… sorry!

_She drops him and he lands face down on the floor, twitching._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Hmm. Well, I have your room upstairs just the way you left it. Let's go!

_She grabs him by his shirt again and drags him to the door. The scene switches to the small bell-yard outside the pie shop. Mrs. Lovett leads a now-walking Sweeney up the stairs to his old Barber's Shop. Suddenly, we hear the wooden stairs cracking and splintering. The rotted stairs break. Sweeney falls through them and lands in a dumpster of discarded pies._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Whoops! Been meaning to fix that. Sorry love!

**Sweeney:** _dripping with old gravy_ Fuckin' bitch…

_The scene switches again, now they are in the old shop. The place is a wreck! The chair is gone, the mirrors are smashed, empty booze bottles lay everywhere, and the walls are scorched._

**Sweeney:** WTF?? This isn't how I left it!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** So I had a few parties up here! Big fucking deal!

**Sweeney:** Grrrrrrrr…!! Now Mrs. Lovett, take me to the razors!!

_Mrs. Lovett pulls up a floorboard and takes out the box containing his razors._

**Mrs. Lovett:** 'Could've sold 'em, but I didn't. So don't be ungrateful!

_She shoves the box in his hands. Sweeney opens it and takes out a razor. His face twits into a creepy, insane smile as he stares at it._

**Sweeney:** My friend… my… precious…

_He purrs and holds it to his face. Mrs. Lovett watches in confusion for a moment, then steps forward._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Hey, uhh… Guess what Mr. T? I love you!

**Sweeney:** _not paying attention, still purring_ Shiny…

**Mrs. Lovett:** Yes, it's true! I've loved you for years! You know not the depths of my devotion for you!

**Sweeney:** _still not paying attention, hugging his razor _Don't worry, you're safe now… my precious!

**Mrs. Lovett:** I thought I'd just let you know now- just so it's not such a shock at the end of the movie.

**Sweeney:** You are so shiny… _drools_

**Mrs. Lovett:** HEY! Are you listening to me??

_Sweeney stops obsessing over his razor and turns to Mrs. Lovett._

**Sweeney:** Heheh… yes! Of course I was!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…

_He giggles madly, unsheathing the razor blade and holding it up into the light. The camera is zoomed in on the razor as Sweeney screams dramatically._

**Sweeney:** AT LAAAAAST!! MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!! BWHA-HA-HA-HAAA-HAAA!!

_The camera zooms out, revealing that the razor is actually tiny. There is a silence. Mrs. Lovett snorts and doubles over with hysterical laughter._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh yeah, THAT'S threatening!

**Sweeney:** SHUT UP! I have bigger ones too, ya know!!

_Mrs. Lovett continues laughing._

**Sweeney:** GAH! Stop mocking meeeee!!

_He shoves her outside and slams the door in her face. Mrs. Lovett's laughter can still be heard outside. He kneels beside his razor and picks it up again._

**Sweeney:** It's okay… the bad lady's gone. _purrs_


	3. I Feeeeel You : ALMS!

_The scene switches to Anthony. Looks like se survived the fall from the ship, lol! He sits on a random bench, takes out a map, and tries to figure out where the hell he is. A window of a house across the street opens to reveal a beautiful girl with blond hair sitting beside a bird cage. Anthony looks up at her. His eyes bulge and turn into little hearts._

**Anthony:** DAMN she's fine! _drools_

_The girl looks at the bird and begins to sing_

**Johanna:** _singing_ Green Finch and Linnet Bird, why won't you sing…?

_Anthony clasps his hands and sighs at her lovely voice. A man walking his dog strolls by him. The dog pauses and pees on Anthony's leg, but he's too love-struck to notice._

**Johanna:** _suddenly stops singing_ No really, why won't you sing?! I bought you so you can sing to me, DAMNIT!!

**Bird:** …………………………………………………………………………..

**Johanna:** SING FOR ME, RAAAGGHHH!!

_Anthony's look of total love turns to shock as Johanna snatches the bird from its cage and starts to strangle it. The scene changes for a moment: we are now watching Johanna body-slamming the finch from a small hole in the wall. We hear Judge Turpin's voice._

**Turpin:** Damn! That bitch is insane!!

_The scene switches back to Anthony. He continues to watch in horror as Johanna's screams and the sounds of things being smashed, snarling, and a chainsaw fill the air. Little yellow feathers fly from the window. Suddenly the bird cage, now bent out of shape and missing the bird, flies from the window and crashes to the sidewalk beside Anthony._

**Anthony:** WOW.

_But Anthony is still spell-bound by Johanna's beauty and decides to overlook her insanity. A beggar woman walks down the street. Her face is hidden by her cloak and she flails her arms wildly._

**Beggar Woman:** Alllmmss!! ALLLLLMMMMMSSSSS!!

**Anthony:** Umm, excuse me poor lady. Who is that girl up there?

**Beggar Woman:** AAALLLMMSS!! Oh, that's pretty-little Johanna. Judge Turpin is keeping her locked away until he's ready to marry her. ALMS!! Best keep away from there. ALMS! Hey, you want some free sex?? _winks_

**Anthony:** _immensely disturbed_ Uumm…. No thank you. I'll just be on my way.

**Beggar Woman:** Your loss! _limps away_ Alms!! Alms for a poor old inconspicuous character!! AAAAAAAAAAALLLLMMMSSS!!

**Anthony:** _walking into the street, singing_ I feel you Joha-

_A random horse and carriage gallops over him, driven by, oh, Kacee and Sam! What a surprise! XD But don't be alarmed: it was only a cardboard cut-out of Anthony giving a thumbs up sign, lol! The real Anthony pulls himself back onto his feet. The old beggar woman comes back down the street, running in a crazy zig-zag toward Anthony._

**Beggar Woman:** ALMS! ALMS! ALMS!

_She runs up to Anthony, arms flailing, and grabs onto his bag and tries to run off with it. Anthony screams and bashes the woman on her head with his fist._

**Anthony:** GET OFF YOU HAG!

_He finally is able to shoo her away just as Judge Turpin opens the door to his abode._

**Turpin:** Well, come in lad. Come along.

_His voice sounds sweet enough, but that was the point. Anthony walks into Turpin's house. He leads Anthony into his study room. The walls are decorated with nude women._

**Turpin:** So, what brings you to London?

**Anthony:** No place like it. I've been everywhere else, so I figured what the hell. Tired of sailing.

**Turpin:** You are a sailor? _his eyes burn and he glares at Anthony_

**Anthony:** I guess so.

**Turpin:** As a sailor, would you say you've fucked a lot of bitches?

**Anthony:** WHAT?!

**Turpin:** Don't be coy, dear boy. Tell me, how many have you nailed? I, myself, have had many. Would you like to see my porn?

**Anthony:** _shocked_ No, sir.

_Beadle Bamford appears behind Anthony with a twisted smile._

**Beadle:** You wanna see mine?!

_He pulls out a book with pictures of naked men with Turpin's head glued onto them. Anthony looks even more horrified._

**Anthony:** Um……………………………………………. no.

_Beadle closes his book and frowns._

**Turpin:** I saw you gander at Johanna. YOU GANDERED!! _eyes bug out_ Beadle, escort him out and beat him!

**Beadle:** Yes, my love! _gets hearts in eyes_

_Beadle grabs Anthony by his hair and drags him down to the back of the building. He bashes him with his cane…eh… thing, and knocking him to the floor. He pulls out the rod and whips Anthony's back. Anthony is sobs and thrashes hysterically._

**Beadle:** Have a nice day!

_He tosses Anthony's bag onto his head. Anthony groans in pain._

**Anthony:** Oh, I never should have started that brick collection…

_He gets up and begins to limp off_.

**Anthony:** _singing_ I feel you, Joha-

_A random bus runs over him, again driven by Sam and Kacee. Don't be upset- it's just a cardboard cut-out anyway. _


	4. Pirelli's Miracle Viagra

_The scene_ _switches to Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney Todd walking along at St. Dunstan's Market._

**Sweeney:** So why are we here again?

**Mrs. Lovett:** To see the street-performer-dude. Remember?

**Sweeney:** Um…. yeah….sure. _cough_

_They prance along over to the other people who are gathering in a large crowd to see the presentation. Sweeney spots Beadle Bamford strolling about, looking for a bouquet of flowers his dear love, Turpin. Sweeney growls as the Kill Bill psycho-ish theme plays again. He unsheathes his blade and prepares to attack, but Mrs. Lovett pulls back on a choker-leash, which is around Sweeeny's neck. She takes out a rolled-up newspaper and strikes him over the head with it._

**Mrs. Lovett:** No! No! Bad Sweeney!

**Sweeney:** _whimpers_

_They continue to watch the stage. A little boy comes out and begins banging a drum to the music played on his boom box, which is on the corner of the stage._

**Toby:** _singing_ Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention per-lease??

_He tosses the drum carelessly into the crowd. It hits a random guy on the head, causing him to crash to the ground._

**Toby:** Do you stare at your dick

In shame and despair,

Because its so small

Its engulfed by your hair?

Well not to beware.

For ladies and gentlemen,

From now on you can have sex with ease!

You need never again have a worry or care

I will show you a miracle, marvelous, rare.

Gentlemen you are about to see something

That rose from the dead,

That you can use in your bed!

_He unzips his pants and flashes his penis to the crowd. The crowd gasps in amazement. Toby's penis is ginormous!_

**Toby:** 'Twas Pirelli's

Miracle Viagra!

That's what did the trick sir,

True, sir true.

Was it quick sir?

Did it in a tick, sir!

Just like a Viagra

Ought to do!

How 'bout a bottle mister?

Only costs a penny, guaranteed.

_He walks over to a man in the front row and actually pulls his penis from his pants. He begins to apply the Viagra "gel", yes it's a gel, cuz pills aren't to common during the 1800's, onto the penis._

**Toby:** Does Pirelli's

Stimulate the growth, sir?

You can have my oath, sir,

'tis unique.

Rub a minute-

Stimulatin, in'it?

Soon you'll have to fuck wi'it

thrice a week!

_Sweeney grabs a bottle of the gel and takes a sniff._

**Sweeney:** OMG! This shit stinks!

**Toby:** Buy Pirelli's

Miracle Viagra!

Anything that's bigger,

It will hit the floor.

Try Pirelli's

When you see how thick, sir

You can have you pick sir,

Of the whores!

Wanna buy a bottle mister?

**Sweeney:** _singing_ This is piss! Gel of piss! Wtf is this?!

**Mrs. Lovett:** _vomits_

**Toby:** Let Pirelli's

Miracle Viagra

Make it real thicker!

**Sweeney:** Keep it off your dick sir. Eats right through!

**Toby:** Yes get Pirelli's

Use a bottle of it

Ladies really love it!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Eek, fuck you!

_The crowd gasps as Adolfo Pirelli presents himself from behind the stage curtains. eyes his pants He looks like he's been using his Viagra a lot. I mean, it's like a cucumber!_

**Pirelli:** _singing_ I am Adolfo Pirelli

Da king of da whores,

Da whore of da kings

Buon giorno, good day!

I blow you a kiss! _blows kiss_

And I da so famous Pirelli

a-wish-a-to-know-a

who has-a-the-nerve-a to say

My Viagra is piss!

Who says this?!

_Pirelli looks out to the crowd. Sweeney Todd is smiling and waving his hand._

**Sweeney:** It was meeeeeeeeeeee!!

**Pirelli:** You! Come here, sir!

**Sweeney:** Okay!

_He skips up to the stage, dragging Mrs. Lovett by the choke chain_

**Mrs. Lovett:** _screaming_ Stop… it… you… jackass!

_They reach the edge of the stage. Sweeney folds his hands and smiles._

**Sweeney:** Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss? _widens smile_

**Pirelli:** You got-a something to say-a to me?

**Sweeney:** Yup I doooooo! You're a fraud. How bout we make a wager? I bet that I can have sex and keep an erection longer than you can with your fucking Viagra! If I win, you give me five pounds. If you win, you get my silver blades. And I sir, have fucked no kings or queens.

**Pirelli:** _smiles_ You will regret this. Deal!

_Sweeney mounts the stage and scans the crowd. He sees Beadle Bamford, who is tying to take a sexy picture for Turpin_.

**Sweeney:** Will Beadle Bamford be our judge?

**Beadle:** Oh, of course!

_The Beadle walks up onto the stage, still wearing his lingerie._

**Beadle:** Men, get your girls!

**Sweeney:** Who's for a free fuck?

_Mrs. Lovett begins to jump up and down wildly and screams at the top of her lungs. Sweeney pays no attention and picks out a random woman. But none of them volunteer to go with Pirelli. He has no other choice than…_

**Pirelli:** Toby!

**Toby:** O.O ……………………………………. _twitch_

**Beadle:** The longest lasting sex session/erection is the winner- which means you cannot fire your load! _blows whistle_

_As the contest begins, a large black board blocks out the screen. Kacee and Sam stroll into frame_.

**Sam:** We would have shown this scene, but we got a letter from the FCC saying that we must block out this part or we'll be sued.

**Kacee:** Yeah… we can't afford that. But in our defense: FUCK YOU CENSORSHIP!

_They walk off and now all we see is the black screen written with "Censored by the FCC" on it. We hear nothing but cheering and shouting. Oh, I think Mrs. Lovett is crying. Suddenly, we hear Pirelli hit a very high note, and we all know what that means, kids!_

**Random Kids:** It means he just fired the load!

_Exactly. The black board is moved off the screen, and we see Sweeney and Pirelli standing on the stage. The woman beside Sweeney swoons and Mrs. Lovett cries harder._

**Beadle:** And the winner is Todd!

_Sweeney smiles and begins to pull on the rest of his clothes. Pirelli growls._

**Pirelli:** YOU SON OF A BITCH!!

_Pirelli lunges at Sweeney and knocks him to the ground. He wraps his hands around Sweeney's throat and repeatedly bangs his head against the stage. Sweeney blacks out._

_Scene switches to Johanna sitting beside her window and Turpin watching her through the peep hole. Johanna looks down and sees Anthony. She opens the window and tosses a key down to him. Unfortunately, the key lands on Anthony's head and he collapses. Johanna closes the window and starts to walk away, but her head his suddenly pulled back and she falls to the floor. She failed to notice that she closed the window on her hair. Dumb blond. Outside her door, Turpin continues to watch. The Beadle runs at him full-speed._

**Beadle:** My loooooooooooooooooove!

_The scene switches to Turpin's eye as he watches through the peep hole. The Beadle tackles Turpin, and his eye is ripped away from the hole as the Beadle hits. Scene switches back to Sweeney's Barbershop where Mrs. Lovett sits in a chair she brought up. Sweeney is at the window, holding an ice-pack to his head._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Here's a chair for you. It was my husband's, before…

**Sweeney:** His untimely death?

_Flashback to Mrs. Lovett's husband, Albert, sitting in his chair, and eating another meat pie. Mrs. Lovett comes out of nowhere and impales him with an axe in this stomach. She screams maniacally as her husband's blood sprays all over her. The flashback ends, and we return to the previous scene._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Yes… untimely… sure. _cough_

**Sweeney:** When will the Beadle come? He said he would.

**Mrs. Lovett:** When? You blacked out.

**Sweeney:** When I woke up.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh, okay.

**Sweeney:** "Before the week is out", that's what he said.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Well, it's only Tuesday. The key word here is "wait"!

**Sweeney:** Oh shut the fuck up! I'm sick of you telling me what to do! And it was just Thursday! And now it's Tuesday?! Where did the other four days go?! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Calm yourself down, Mr. Todd. You're giving me hell.

**Sweeney:** Hell?! You know NOTHING of hell!

_Flashback to Sweeney's imprisonment in Australia. He is sitting in the middle of the desert. Just sitting. Suddenly the Crocodile Hunter appears._

**Steve:** Crickey! He has a skunk on his head! Don't worry mate! I'll get him off ya!

**Sweeney:** NO! NOO!!

_Steve Irwin lunges at Sweeny and begins to yank out his hair. Sweeny screams in pain as his entire head of hair is ripped out. The flashback ends with Sweeney growling._

**Mrs. Lovett:** So… that isn't you real hair? Where'd you get the wig?

**Sweeney:** Oh, it's no wig. Heh heh heh.

_Flashback returns. We see Bambi, Thumper, and Flower conversing behind a few bushes. Suddenly, a bald Sweeney leaps out and clubs Flower to death and drags him off. Bambi and Thumper look on in confusion._

**Thumper:** Did he just kill Flower?

**Bambi:** Um…. yeah.

**Thumper:** Bambi?

**Bambi:** Yeah?

**Thumper:** Why are we in Australia?

**Bambi:** I… have… no… idea.

_Flashback ends with Sweeney twitching and growling. Mrs. Lovett stares, disturbed. Suddenly, they hear footsteps coming up the stairs. Sweeney runs over beside the door. Anthony burst through and crushes Sweeney against the wall with the door._

**Anthony:** Mr. Todd! Um… where's Mr. Todd?

_Mrs. Lovett remains silent and points at the door. Anthony turns and sees Sweeney's face smooshed against the glass of the door's window._

**Sweeney:** _muffled_ You… fucking… bastard!!

_Anthony runs over and pulls the door away from Sweeney. Sweeney just stands there for a moment before falling face-down onto the floor. He blacks out again._

**Mrs. Lovett:** He'll be like that for a while, love. Come downstairs and tell me what's your problem.

_Mrs. Lovett and Anthony leave Sweeney unconscious on the floor and go into the pie shop._


	5. Pretty Beadle : Epiphany of Sorts

_Sweeney awakes five hours later. Mrs. Lovett is sitting in his chair, reading a magazine called "Pie Makers Edition"._

**Sweeney:** What happened?

**Mrs. Lovett:** That sailor boy knocked you out with the door, so he spoke to me. Turns out he's got the hots for your Johanna. He's gonna bring her here tonight, or something like that.

**Sweeney:** Oh… okay.

_He stumbles to his feet and steps over to the window. He spots Pirelli and his slave, Toby, walking toward the stairs._

**Sweeney:** Oh great! This idiot! Keep the boy downstairs.

**Mrs. Lovett:** _mumbling under her breath_ Do this, Mrs. Lovett, do that, Mrs. Lovett. Must I fucking do everything?

_She gets up and walks out of the shop, and down the stairs to greet Pirelli and Toby._

**Pirelli:** Is Mr. Todd about-a?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Yes, he is. But may I give the boy a juicy meat pie?

**Pirelli**: Si, si, whatever.

_As Pirelli makes his way up the stairs, Mrs. Lovett takes Toby into her pie shop._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Come one, love. Close the door.

_Toby closes the door behind him. Scene switches over to Pirelli at Sweeney's door. He knocks._

**Sweeney:** Come on in.

_Pirelli opens the door and walks in. He begins to remove his cape and gloves._

**Pirelli:** Mr. Todd.

**Sweeney:** Senior Pirelli.

**Pirelli:** Call me Kabooshnick. _suddenly acquires an Irish accent_ Kabooshnick Collins. Not the name I use on the job, of course. I had hoped you would have remembered me. I'd like my five pounds back.

**Sweeney:** Why?

**Pirelli:** Because you entered our contest as Sweeney Todd. But you are Benjamin Barker. And I want half of your profits.

_Scene switches back to Mrs. Lovett and Toby. She grabs a meat pie, places it on a plate, and hands it to Toby._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Here you are, love.

_Toby dives into the pie, despite its disgusting flavor._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh, I see you like my pies.

**Toby:** No, I'm just on the verge of starvation. I'd eat dog shit if I had to.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh….

_Scene switches back to Sweeney's shot. Pirelli walks back and forth as Sweeney stares out of the big slanty window._

**Pirelli:** You don't remember me? I used to sweep up hair trimmings for you here. I knew it was you, Mr. Barker.

**Sweeney:** By my razors?

**Pirelli:** Well… um… not exactly. I could never forget your penis, sir.

**Sweeney:** WHAT?!

**Pirelli:** I used to watch you and your wife going at it. Oh, how wonderful you were, Mr. Todd!

**Sweeney:** WHAT?!

**Pirelli:** You were my inspiration to become a whore, hoping to fuck women as great as you can.

_Sweeney walks over to his stove in a daze and stares at the teapot on it. Pirelli follows._

**Pirelli:** Do we have a deal _drops irishness_ a-mister Sweeneh Todd-a! AHAHAAA!!

_Sweeney begins to twitch and stares at his tea pot, He finally grabs it and bashes Pirelli over the head over and over._

**Sweeney:** HAVE SOME FUCKING TEA!! AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH!

_Switch scene to the pie shop. The sounds of Pirelli's body thumping to the floor reaches Toby and Mrs. Lovett's ear below. Mrs. Lovett tries to play it cool and bangs her kitchen wear around to block out the sound._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Always work to be done. Spick and span, that's my motto.

**Toby:** Then why is this place a dump?

_Scene switches back to Sweeney. He sighs in relief as he stares at Pirelli's bloody carcass. He calmly sits down in his chair. The scene switches to Mrs. Lovett and Toby._

**Mrs. Lovett:** So, how'd you end up with Pirelli?

**Toby:** He bought me. 'Twas a slave. Oh, Pirelli's got an appointment!

_Toby rises from his chair and runs out of the shop to Sweeney._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh shit!

_As Toby treks up the stairs, Sweeney is cleaning with incredible speed. The "I just drank 100 cups of coffee" kind of speed. He pulls out a mop –Toby's foot hits a stair in slow-mo—Sweeney dries the floor–Toby's foot hits a stair in slow-mo—Sweeney make tea…again–Toby's foot hits a stair in slow-mo—Sweeney dances with the mop–Toby's foot hits a stair in slow-mo—Sweeney throws Pirelli in the crate-thing. By the time Toby walks in, Sweeney is casually sipping tea while sitting atop the crate._

**Sweeney:** Well hellirrrrr.

**Toby:** Where's Pirelli?

**Sweeney:** Been called away.

_Under Sweeney Pirelli is trying to shove his way out, making Sweeney and the crate shake._

**Toby:** What's that?

**Sweeney:** Uh… a ghost. Caught a real nasty one. Heheh.

**Toby:** Oh, well, I should wait for Pirelli or he'll rape me again.

**Sweeney:** Uh… how about you go downstairs and get Mrs. Lovett to give you some gin!

**Toby:** YAAAAY! _runs out of shop_

**Sweeney:** See kids? Alcohol can solve your problems!

_Sweeney rises and opens the crate-thing. Pirelli pulls himself out and gasps for air. Sweeney takes out his blade and nicely slits his throat._

**Sweeney:** Solving the problem! Solving the problem!

**Pirelli:** _gasp, cough, gag, gurgle, DEAD_

**Sweeney:** Aaaannnnnnnd…. _drops Pirelli_ Problem solved! Killing solves problems, too!

**Pirelli:** _THUD_

_Scene switches too to Turpin and Beadle clapping as a little boy is hanged. The two walk off into the streets._

**Beadle:** Ah, good show, that was!

**Turpin:** Yeah, I suppose.

**Beadle:** What's troubling you, my Lord? _puts arm around Turpin_

**Turpin:** I asked Johanna to marry me, but she seemed so turned-off.

**Beadle:** _singing_ Excuse me my Lord, my I request my Lord, permission my Lord to speak? _pause_

**Turpin:** Yes…. What is it?

**Beadle:** _stops singing_ You look like HELL!

**Turpin:** Excuse me?

**Beadle:** Well, just look at you. You're an old decrepit man, so you already have that against you. And you also have crap on your vest and stubble on your chin. I mean, you could grate cheese on your chin, my lord. To put it bluntly, you look like HELL!!

_Turpin looks at his reflection in a window. It shatters at his appearance._

**Beadle:** But I'll take you any way you are cuz I love yoooooouuuuuuuuuu!!

**Turpin:** Oh God, Beadle, when are you going to get over this unnecessary obsession with me?

**Beadle:** When you finally love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

**Turpin:** Oh, but I do. Just not in THAT way.

**Beadle:** It's because I don't have hooters like that whore Johanna! You think I'm ugly!! _cries_

**Turpin:** _sighs_ I do not think you're ugly.

**Beadle:** YOU LIIIIIIIEEEEEE!! AAAHHHHHH!! _runs away_

_Before Turpin can run after him, he notices two girls leaning against a nearby wall. It's Sam and Kacee… again. Both are munching on apples._

**Kacee:** Hey Turpin. If you're worried about a shave… _munch, munch_

**Sam:** Go to Sweeney Todd's shop… _munch, munch_

**Kacee:** On Fleet Street…. _munch, munch_

**Sam:** Above Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Shop. _munch, munch_

**Kacee:** Now go! _munch, munch_

**Turpin:** Okay, but who are you two-

**Sam:** We write that you go!! _munch, munch_

**Turpin:** Okaaaaayyy. _walks away_

**Kacee:** That right. Do as we write. _munch, munch_

_Scene switches to Mrs. Lovett and Toby, who is gulping down booze._

**Mrs. Lovett:** You might want to slow down.

**Toby:** No, I think I might not! _gulp_

**Mrs. Lovett:** Okay, you fucking alcoholic! I'm going to see Mr. T. _leaves shop_

_Scene switches to Sweeney wiping off his blade. Mrs. Lovett enters._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Fucking kid needs A.A.!! He chugged all the gin! Um… where's Pirelli?

**Sweeney:** _turns to reveal his bloodstained sleeve_ He went boom and had to go live with the wormies.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh God! What did he do to you?

**Sweeney:** The bastard tried to… he was gonna… he had it fucking coming!!

_Mrs. Lovett Shrugs and walks over to the crate-thing. She opens it and shows no emotion as she rummages through Pirelli's pockets, finds his money, and snatches it up. Then she closes the crate._

**Mrs. Lovett:** And let me guess who's gonna have to fucking clean THIS up?!

**Sweeney:** And what exactly do you have to do instead of that? Run a pie shop that no one even glances at? Shit!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Fucking bastard.

**Sweeney:** Now send the drunk back up.

**Mrs. Lovett:** No way, I need a slave to work the shop.

**Sweeney:** Fine. _looks out the Window and sees Turpin approaching_ Get out!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** _growls and exists_

_Sweeney tries to get ready but realizes that he still has blood on his sleeve. He goes crazy and frantically looks for a new shirt. As Turpin approaches he sees things flying past the_

_window, but he walks in anyway. Sweeney is taken off guard and rips his sleeve clean off and turns to Turpin._

**Sweeney:** Hiiiiiiiiii!!

**Turpin:** What's with your shirt?

**Sweeney:** Umm… new style.

**Turpin:** Oh, okay.

**Sweeney:** So what do you want?

**Turpin:** A shave, that's all.

**Sweeney:** Okay, sit.

_Turpin sits down in the chair as Sweeney drapes a sheet over him and lathers his face with cream. He crouches next to Turpin._

**Sweeney:** _whispering_ I love you.

**Turpin:** What? What was that?

**Sweeney:** Nothing, sir. _begins shaving and singing the Freaky Fred theme_ La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la. La-

**Turpin:** What are you doing?

**Sweeney:** Uh, just singing.

**Turpin:** Ooohh. _singing_ Pretty women…

_The Beadle appears outside, next to the window._

**Beadle:** _singing_ Pretty Beadle!

**Turpin:** No pretty Beadle!!

_The Beadle runs away. Sweeney attempts to slit Turpin's throat, but Anthony's voice is suddenly heard outside._

**Anthony:** Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd!!

_He smashes into the closed door and falls down. He rises with a bloody nose._

**Anthony:** Oh, fuck. Ow. _enters_

**Turpin:** YOU!

**Anthony:** Uh oh.

**Turpin:** _rises_ I can see that you are helping the sailor! Fuck you! Both of you! _stomps out_

**Sweeney:** ……………………………………….. _seething with anger_

**Anthony:** Mr. Todd?

**Sweeney:** You… fucking… son of a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!!

_He swings his razor at Anthony, who runs away, screaming like a girl. Mrs. Lovett comes in a second later._

**Mrs. Lovett:** WTF?!

**Sweeney:** I FUCKING HAD HIM!! WE ALL DESERVE TO DIE!! AAAAGGHHHH!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** ……….. O.O

_Scene switches to the streets. Sweeney is running around, singing and confronting random citizens with his razor._

**Sweeney:** _singing_ YOU SIR, HOW ABOUT A- _gets blade stuck in man's face_ OH FUCK! _tries to pull it out_

**Sam:** All right, cut!!

_People move in to clean up the set._

**Kacee:** Yeah, that didn't work. Ooo, how about an inspirational scene?

**Sam:** Ooo, better!

**Kacee:** Cue the cheesy inspirational music!!

_Scene switches to two parallel lines of people in the street. The cheesy inspirational music plays as Sweeney runs down the street in slow-mo, a blade in each hand, slicing throats as he runs. Sort of like that scene in Bruce Almighty, lol!_

**Sweeney:** _continuing his song_ Not one man-

_Someone in the crowd trips him and he falls. He staggers back up._

**Sweeney:** …And I'm full of JOOOOOOOOY!!


	6. STOP SINGING! : Home Depot

_Scene switches back to the barbershop. Sweeney seems to be frozen. Mrs. Lovett stands before him looking unimpressed._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Hello? _slaps him_

_She gets no response and pulls him into the pie shop. Mrs. Lovett pushes him into a seat and goes to get some gin. Toby is in a corner, on the floor, with his head bobbing back and forth, singing "I'm Henry the 8th I Am. Mrs. Lovett rips the bottle from him and walks back out to Mr. Todd. She fills a glass and slams it on the table._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Drink it! Maybe it'll bring back some of your sanity!

_He takes a sip._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Now, we got an issue. There's a corpse up there that's rotting away. Now what do you suggest we do with it?

**Sweeney:** Flush it.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Flush it??

**Sweeney:** Down the toilet.

**Mrs. Lovett:** What is he, a fucking goldfish?!

**Sweeney:** Well then, what do you suggest? Does it look like I'm a man that gets bright ideas?!

Mrs. Lovett sighs and walks over to the window. She suddenly gets an idea.

**Mrs. Lovett:** _singing_ Seems a downright shame-

**Sweeney:** OH FUCKING NO! I have had it up to here _gestures with hand_ with the fucking singing!! Instead of churning out you repulsive idea with a song that drags on and on, and makes people kill themselves, why don't you just give it to me straight out instead of singing a fucking two-page essay that no one even understands?!

**Mrs. Lovett:** O.O Um… I was gonna suggest you kill your customers, and I'll make them… into pies.

**Sweeney:** There, now was that so… wait. WHAT?!

**Mrs. Lovett:** I make your victims into meat pies so that I can get business back. And you get to kill. So we're both happy.

**Sweeney:** Well, um, all right.

_Scene switches to Turpin's house. Johanna is vigorously packing her clothing when Turpin bursts in._

**Turpin:** _pointing_ You're a whore!

**Johanna:** Excuse me?!

**Turpin:** You have hurt me. You have put a knife in my heart.

**Johanna:** I'm sixteen. What do you expect?

**Turpin:** You are to be punished. You will be quizzed on this. Page 394!THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO HARRY!!

_He points to Harry Potter, who is chained to a desk in the corner of the room_

**Harry:** EEEEEK! _cowers_

_Turpin blows a kiss at Johanna with hearts in his eyes_

**Turpin:** _giggle_ Love you!!

_Turpin leaves and the Beadle walks into the room. Johanna shrinks, expecting the whip._

**Beadle:** I won't hit you. I kind of… well, need to talk. _sits on the bed next to her_ I'm in love with Judge Turpin but he doesn't seem to notice me. _cries_ I express my love over and over, but he won't love meeeee!! _sob, whimper, weep_ I'M SO ALONE!

**Johanna:** You're alone?! I wish I had my mother.

**Beadle:** _sniffs, stops crying_ Oh, but you do. Look out the window.

_Johanna gets up and looks out the window. The old beggar woman is flailing about outside._

**Beggar Woman:** ALMS! AALMS! AAAAAALLLLLLLLMSSSSSSSS!!

**Johanna:** Oh. Um, I guess I don't need a mother.

**Beadle:** Well, time to get you to the Looney Bin!

**Johanna:** WHAT!?

_The Beadle drags her out of her room and outside to a car. Yes, a car. With Kacee and Sam in the driver's and front passenger's seat. He throws her in and waves goodbye as the car drives away and she bangs on the window and screams. Anthony runs after the car, his arms outspread._

**Anthony:** AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

_Scene switches to Sweeney's shop. He stares at his barber's chair, encircling it. After pondering for a moment, he makes a call._

**Sweeney:** Hi, Home Depot?

_A half an hour later a mailman arrives with a large box. It reads: "The Mechanical Barber Chair for Murderers Kit. Build in Less than Twenty Minutes. Home Depot. We Can Help." He grins and opens the box and pulls out the directions._

**Sweeney:** Who uses the directions anymore? _throws paper_

_Switch scene to the pie shop two hours later. Mr. Lovett hears Sweeney cursing and screaming. She runs up to his shop and enters. A fully functional and modern computer sits in the place of the barber's chair, complete with a mouse, keyboard, and hard drive._

**Sweeney:** Fucking Home Depot!! Does this look like a fucking chair?! I don't even know what this is!!

**Computer:** You've got mail!

**Sweeney:** SEE?! WTF IS THAT!?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Did you read the directions?

**Sweeney:** No, who does?

**Mrs. Lovett:** _sigh_ Let me try to fix this.

_Ten minutes later, Mrs. Lovett finishes the chair, which looks exactly like the picture on the directions._

**Mrs. Lovett:** See? That wasn't so hard.

**Sweeney:** _punches her_ That's for being a fucking smart ass!


	7. God That's not Tomato Soup!

_Scene switches to Anthony, who is strolling the streets._

**Anthony:** _singing_ I feel you, Johanna, I feel y-

_He is suddenly pelted by rocks and runs away. The scene switches back to Sweeney's shop. In the corner is a deli meat slicer he ordered on EBay. Looks like he opened a weekend Deli inside the pie shop. The Freaky Fred theme plays as he slices throat after throat of his victims._

**Sweeney:** _slash, stab_

**Victims:** _blood, gurgle, die_

_Yeah, you get the picture. Scene switches to the pie shop, where Mrs. Lovett is preparing for the re-opening of her shop. Switch scene to outside, where the beggar woman runs ramped._

**Beggar Woman:** CITY ON FIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!

_Scene switches to Anthony outside Mr. Fogg's Madhouse. He looks up at Johanna, who is at a barred window and holding up a sign that reads "HELP ME!" Scene switches back to Mrs. Lovett's Pie Shop at its Grand Re-Opening. People flock to the shop, while Toby stands by door to advertise with his singing… since that's really all he's good at. Besides the drinking, of course._

**Toby:** _singing_ Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention per-leea-

_A man walks past him and punches Toby, silencing the brat. Mrs. Lovett hands out pies to everyone and they all shovel them down. The beggar woman loiters about the shop and pokes at the customers._

**Mrs. Lovett:** TOBY! THROW THE OLD WOMAN OUT!!

_Toby, now sporting a black eye, races over to the beggar woman and smacks her with a dishtowel._

**Toby:** Back! Back, you beast!!

**Beggar Woman:** _screams like a banshee and runs away_ CITY ON FIIIRE!!

_Sweeney looms down from his shop and skulks around, staring at the customers. As one of them devours a pie, Sweeney leans over to him._

**Sweeney:** How's your wife's flesh taste now?

**Man:** What?

**Sweeney:** I didn't say anything. _looks around_ And there's no one to prove that I did. _pauses_ That's not tomato soup either.

**Man:** _chokes, splutters soup_ What?!

**Sweeney:** Oh, nothing.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Mr. T, what are you doing? Get back to your shop!!

**Sweeney:** _like a little kid at a supermarket_ No! I don't want to!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Don't make me count to three.

**Sweeney:** No! I'm not going!! I don't wanna!! _throws self on ground and screams_

_Mrs. Lovett sighs and grabs Sweeney by the ear and drags him outside. She pulls out her rolling pin and beats him._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Now get up there!!

**Sweeney:** I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!! I WISH LUCY WAS HERE INSTEAD OF YOU!! WAAAAAHHH! _runs up to his shop and slams door_

_Suddenly the beggar woman runs by again._

**Beggar Woman:** CITY ON FIIIRE! AARRGGHH!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Yeah, I'm sure you REALLY want her around.

_She walks back into her shop and to a table with two girls sitting there. They are wearing those glasses with the giant nose and moustaches, ya know, the one's you see at Spencer's. Fun fact: it's Sam and Kacee._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Can I interest you in a meat pie?

**Sam:** No, thanks.

**Kacee:** We'll take coffee.

**Mrs. Lovett:** But we don't have coffee.

**Sam:** Hold on.

_She pulls out a notebook and writes: "A silver saucer, topped with two mugs of warm coffee, appears into Mrs. Lovett's hands." What Sam writes comes true and Mrs. Lovett stares with shock._

**Mrs. Lovett:** How…?

**Kacee:** Don't worry about it.

**Sam:** Better get back to your other customers.

_Mrs. Lovett nods and walks off as the two sip their coffee._

**Sam:** They'll never know.

**Kacee:** They have no idea.

_Both grin wickedly at their powers of narration. XD_


	8. By the Sea, wow this chapter is short!

_The Scene switches to Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney sitting in a field by a large tree, with a nice picnic spread out in front of them. Toby is flying a kite in the background. A rabid dog mounts the hill and tackles him, but his screams go unnoticed._

**Mrs. Lovett:** You know where I'd like to go, Mr. T?

**Sweeney:** Where?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Down by the sea.

**Sweeney:** Oh, cool.

_End scene. Bet you didn't see that one coming, lol!_


	9. WritersHypnosis : The Plan

__

**Just a quick note- we've edited the previous chapters with some extra jokes, so be sure to go back and re-read them! Now, on to the story!**

**--**

_Scene switches to Sweeney's barbershop. We see Sweeney standing near the window, slamming his head on the wall. I guess he was imagining what life would be like by the sea, lol! After a few seconds Mrs. Lovett walks in cheerfully. _

**Mrs. Lovett:** Hey, Mr. T. Can I ask you a question?

**Sweeney:** _stops slamming his head_ Can't you wait a second? I'm sure you can see that I'm VERY busy!

**Mrs. Lovett:** But you're just banging your head against the wall.

**Sweeney:** Oh, well then I'm extremely busy!

_He continues to bash his head against the wall. Mrs. Lovett watches silently, still smiling, oblivious to the fact that Sweeney's about to give himself a concussion. Finally, he stops and turns to Mrs. Lovett with a black eye and chipped tooth._

**Sweeney:** Okay. What?

**Mrs. Lovett:** What did your Lucy look like?

**Sweeney:** ………Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…she was blond.

**Mrs. Lovett:** See, you can't remember her at all! Life is for the alive, you know! Why obsess over a dead blond broad when you've got a VERY sexually active woman right in front of you?!

**Sweeney:** …eh. _goes back to slamming his head against the wall_

_Mrs. Lovett growls and stomps away. Two girls enter the shop after she exits. …It's Sam and Kacee…again. Todd hears them but doesn't turn around. _

**Sweeney:** You here for a shave?

**Sam:** Not exactly.

**Kacee:** We're here for personal reasons.

_Sweeney turns and stares at the two girls, bewildered._

**Sweeney:** Oh God! I knew this would come! I knew the fangirls were going to rape me!

_lies down on floor and waits_

_Sam and Kacee look at each other in confusion._

**Kacee:** I think you might have misunderstood me, Mr. Todd.

**Sam:** Yes, we aren't planning to rape you.

**Sweeney:** …You're not?

**Kacee:** No. We want to be part of the business. We can help you kill people.

**Sam:** Yeah.

**Sweeney:** _rises_ Well, if you're not going to rape me then why don't I just kill you now?!

**Sam:** Hold it, Mr. T.

**Kacee:** See, we're the writers of this story. We can make you do anything.

**Sweeney:** The hell you can! _grabs razor_

_Sam takes out her notepad and scribbles something down. Sweeney is suddenly lifted off the ground and is slammed back and forth into the wall. _

**Sweeney:** Okay! Stop! Please!!

_Sam stops writing and Sweeney falls to the ground. _

**Kacee:** As you can see, if you kill us you no longer exist.

**Sam:** So let us kill with you.

**Sweeney:** Look, I have a lot of work to do. I really don't care that you're the writers. Now get out!

_Sam and Kacee start to walk out._

**Sam:** But can't we at least ride the chair?

**Sweeney:** OOOUUUT!!

_The girls growl with frustration. Kacee suddenly grabs the notepad from Sam and begins to write. Hypnotic music plays and Sweeney is suddenly in a drooling trance._

**Sweeney:** …Yes… I will obey…

**Kacee:** Good Sweeney…

**Sam:** Now, let us ride the chair.

**Sweeney:** …I obey… sit, girls, sit….

_Sam and Kacee jump into the chair. Sweeney hits the lever and they both go flying through the trap door. The scene switches to the bake house. Sam and Kacee drop down through the chute and nearly hit Mrs. Lovett, who is putting together a sandwich made of sliced buttocks. _

**Both:** Wheeeeeee!!

**Sam:** Hi, Mrs. Lovett!

_Both run up the stairs past her and vanish into the night._

**Mrs. Lovett:** O.O Ooookay then…

_Scene switches back to Sweeney's shop. Sweeney is still in the trance, drool dripping down his mouth. We hear footsteps and Anthony's voice outside._

**Anthony:** Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd!

_Anthony bursts through the door and crashes into Sweeney and knocks him out of his hypno-ness and ton the floor, lol!_

**Sweeney:** _getting up and pulling up Anthony by his shirt _WTF man??

**Anthony:** I found Johanna! Turpin's locked her up in Mr. Fogg's madhouse!

**Sweeney:** What? A madhouse?

**Anthony:** We have to help her, sir! I don't know what I'll do if I never see her again! What if she's stuck there forever and-and-and-waaaaahhhh!! _sucks thumb_

**Sweeney:** _slaps him_ Calm the fuck down!! Listen, we'll just send you to Fogg's place and say you're a wig-maker who needs blond hair. He'll lead you to her cage and wammo! You get her the hell out of there, and bring her back here, got it?

**Anthony:** _staring off into space_ What? I'm sorry. I don't follow you.

**Sweeney:** _sigh_ You go there as a "wig-maker" and get Johanna out.

**Anthony:** I don't get it.

**Sweeney:** _slaps Anthony_ You get it now?

**Anthony:** _cries_ Yes. Yes! But isn't that dangerous?

**Sweeney:** Well...here's a gun. _tosses a gun_

**Anthony:** Ooooohhh….coooooool! Be back in a flash!

_He skips off, humming the 007 theme. Sweeney retreats back into his shop and write\s a letter to Turpin, which reads:_

"_Yo, Judge!_

_Got your girl at my place. The bitch escaped prison and ran here. Come and pick her up ASAP or I'll do it I swear I will!!_

_Love, Sweeney Todd,_

_P.S-This is not a trap! :-) "_

_He calls for Toby. The boy runs n, looking panicked, sweaty, and twitching. _

**Sweeney:** What's wrong with you?

**Toby**: There's no more gin!! I need more gin!! I'm going through withdrawals!! AAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!

**Sweeney:** That's nice. Now take this letter to the old courthouse on "I don't know what it's called street" and give it to Judge Turpin.

**Toby**: Sure, but do you mind if I stop by the liquor store to buy some more gin?

**Sweeney:** Hell no!! You deliver the letter and get you sorry alcoholic ass back right here! UNDERSTAND??

**Toby**: O.o…Yes sir. _grabs letter and flees_

**Sweeney:** _sighs_ Alone at last…now, where was I? Oh, yeah. _slams head on wall again_


	10. It sucks to be Toby : the Escape

_Scene switches to later that evening in Mrs. Lovett's parlor. Mrs. Lovett is sprawled out over the couch, face down in a puddle of drool and snoring like a cow. Toby walks in frantically and shakes her._

**Mrs. Lovett:** _snort, snore_ Ugh! Where the hell have you been?

**Toby**: Delivering postal stuff like a slave. I wanted to talk to you bout Mr. Todd.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Why?

**Toby**: He's a bad man. He wouldn't let me buy any more gin and I NEED MY FIX!! _sobs_

**Mrs. Lovett:** _pats Toby's head_ Now don't say such things. We've got nothing to worry about.

**Toby**: Yeah_…sniff_…hopefully. But just so you know…_pauses, singing _Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.

**Mrs. Lovett:** _flipping though a magazine, not paying attention_ Uh-huh…

**Toby**: _still singing_ Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays. I'll send them howling, I don't care. I've got ways.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh, really? What are you going to do pipsqueak?

**Toby**: _and still singing_ No one's gonna hurt you No one's gonna da-!!

_He is cut off as Mrs. Lovett hands him a basket of laundry._

**Mrs. Lovett:** That's nice, love. Here. Fold these for me, will ya?

_She gets up and begins to walk away. Toby looks down at the clothes with a cute yet pathetically hopeless frown, one that might tell you that all hope is lost for this child. Mrs. Lovett stops in her tracks._

**Mrs. Lovett:** On second thought…I'll just teach you how to make pies.

**Toby**: YAAAY!! Distraction!!

_He follows her out. Scene switches to the basement/bake house. Toby and Mrs. Lovett enter together and stare in awe at the place._

**Toby**: Damn! It stinks in here!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Well, that be your problem now! Now for the grand tour! There's the sewer grates, over there is the giant oven of foreshadowy doom, and over here we have the grinder.

_Mrs. Lovett leads him to the giant, evil-looking machine. She turns the crank and freshly ground meat plops out the other end._

**Toby**: Ooooh, neat! Can I try?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Sure thing. I'll be back in a bit.

_She zooms out of the bake house and bolts the door behind her. _

**Mrs. Lovett:** Fucking annoying brat!

_The scene switches to Mr. Fogg's madhouse. Mr. Fogg is leading Anthony through the hallways. Loud, obnoxious techno music and screaming is heard echoing from the cells._

**Anthony:** It's fucking insane here!

**Fogg:** You're telling me? Try living here with these fucking maniacs. Anyways, I keep the blonds in here.

_They enter a large cell filled with blonds, including a shaven Britney Spears who is rolling on the floor in a corner. Anthony looks around and sees Johanna near the window, clutching her "HELP ME!" sign._

**Anthony:** Ohh…that girl, right there. _points to Johanna_ She has the hair I need.

**Fogg:** Alrighty then! Come, child, smile!

_He approaches her and Johanna screams. Anthony pulls out his gun and sticks it in Fogg's face._

**Anthony:** Freeze, douche bag!

_He pulls the trigger but nothing happens. Johanna suddenly pulls out a machine gun from under her skirt and fires it at Mr. Fogg._

**Johanna:** Say "Hello" to mah little fwiend! AAHHAHAHAHAAAA!!

_Mr. Fogg falls dead to the ground, full of holes like swiss cheese. Britney Spears crawls up to him and gnaws at his skull. The scene switches to outside the madhouse. _

**Anthony:** That was amazing! Where did you learn to shoot like that??

_Johanna rolls up her sleeves, revealing various gang tattoos. _

**Anthony:** Oh…


	11. WRONG MUSICAL : Sweet Revenge

_Scene switches to outside the pie shop. Mrs. Lovett is telling Sweeney, who has an ice pack on his head, about Toby._

**Mrs. Lovett:** So I locked him in the bake house until you could deal with him. If he escapes we're both fucked!

**Sweeney:** Little brat deserves to have his throat cut. He didn't leave me any gin to drown my sorrows in.

_Mrs. Lovett turns to enter the shop, but shrieks as the Beadle suddenly appears in the doorway._

**Mrs. Lovett:** AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!

**Beadle:** AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!

**Beadle:** AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!

**Sweeney:** SHUT UP!! Both of you!! Aagghh!

**Mrs. Lovett:** What brings you here, Beadle?

**Beadle:** _singing like a munchkin_ I represent the Public Health Relations!

**Sweeney:** How dare you steal from Robin Williams! And wrong musical!!

**Beadle:** Oh well, to put it simply, your chimney stinks like a crematorium so now I have to investigate. Mind if I take a gander at your bake house?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Uh…_PANIC!_

**Sweeney:** Why of course not. But how 'bout I fix you a sandwich and pamper you before we begin the murder...I mean observer…ing…ness? Ahem.

**Beadle:** Maybe after I finish my job…

**Sweeney:** I'm sure Judge Turpin would greatly appreciate some cologne on you, sir.

**Beadle:** …What have you got?

**Sweeney:** Axe.

**Beadle:** Bow-Chika-Wow-Wow!!

_He bolts up the stairs and up to the barbershop. Sweeny follows, grinning evilly. The Beadle starts singing "I feel pretty" at the top of his lungs as Sweeney follows and shuts the door. _

**Mrs. Lovett:** Wrong musical!!

_Scene switches to inside the bake house. Toby is taking a break from the grinder and is stuffing his face full of pies._

**Toby**: Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum! _choke_ Wait a sec…

_He reaches into his mouth and pulls out half a human hand._

**Toby**: What the-?!

_The trap door in the ceiling opens up, and a now dead Beadle smashes to the floor with remnants of a sandwich still hanging from his mouth. A photo of Turpin with hearts drawn on it flutters to the floor beside him. _

**Toby**: MOTHER FUCKER!!

_He flees into one of the sewer grates. A second later, Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney enter._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Toby? You here? Oh fuck, where is he?

**Sweeney:** We know you're 'eeeeeeeerrre, poppet!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Wrong movie, love.

_They enter the sewers._

**Mrs. Lovett:** _singing_ Toby, where are you, love? Nothing's gonna harm you-

**Sweeney:** _lifting razor and singing_ UNLESS I'M AROUND!! Mwahhahhahhahahahaw!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Ugh! You're not helping, Mr. T. Go search over there!!

_She points to a random tunnel. Sweeney shrugs and vanishes into the dark._

**Mrs. Lovett:** But watch out. It's a bit-

**Sweeney:** Aagghh! _boom, splash_

**Mrs. Lovett:** …slippery…You alright Mr. T?

**Sweeney:** …Mrs. Lovett could you do me favor? Go get my medical book and look up "Barber's knife in left lung."

**Mrs. Lovett:** Alright. Why?

**Sweeney:** Time's a factor here, Mrs. Lovett.

_The scene switches to Mr. T's shop. Anthony and Johanna rush in. Johanna is now dressed up as a sailor boy, with her hair hidden under a hat._

**Anthony:** There, you're safe now. Just wait here. I'll get a taxi and we'll finally be free.

**Johanna:** But this place smells like the Beadle! And I look like a dude!!

**Anthony: **But no one will recognize you. You're safe and we'll be gone soon.

**Johanna:** Safe…so we run away and all out dreams come true.

**Anthony:** I hope so.

**Johanna:** Why does this sound like a Disney movie?? Besides, I only have nightmares.

**Anthony:** Wow. You're emo! But no worries. Be back in a flash!

_He runs out the door. Johanna stands there for a moment and looks around._

**Johanna:** Ew, what a dump. Doesn't this guy know how to vacuum once in a- _sees razors_ OOOHH!! SHINY!!

_She picks one up and drools over it. Like father like daughter, lol!! We suddenly hear the beggar woman singing outside. Johanna freaks and hides n the chest just as the beggar woman enters._

**Beggar Woman:** _singing _Beadle-eadle-eadle-eadle dumpling!! Allms!! City on fire!! ALLMMMSS!! NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!!

**Johanna:** Wrong musical!!

_Sweeney suddenly appears in the doorway. There' a Pokemon band-aid on his chest and he looks super pissed!_

**Sweeney:** What are you doing here?

**Beggar Woman:** ALMS MOTHER FUCKER!! Hey, don't I know you mister?

_Sweeney freezes as Turpin's voice is heard outside._

**Turpin:** Mr. Todd!!

**Sweeney:** Damnit!! Aagghh!! Die byothch!!

_He quickly slices the beggar woman's throat and sends her through the trap door. Turpin enters waving around a piece of paper and singing like Carlotta from Phantom of the Opera._

**Turpin:** _singing_ I have a letter, a letter which I rather resent! And did you send it??

**Sweeney:** _singing_ Of course not!

**Turpin:** _singing_ You didn't send it?

**Sweeney:** _singing_ Of course not!

**Turpin:** _singing_ You mean to tell me that this is not the letter you sent?

**Sweeney:** Dude, wrong musical.

_He takes the letter and reads it._

**Sweeney:** "Your days at the Opera Populaire are numbered…?" WTF? I didn't send this!! And who the hell is Christine Daae??

**Turpin:** Oh I guess that's not your letter. Silly me. But I did get a message about Johanna. My darling-baby-bunka-bunka-boo will be here soon, right?

**Sweeney:** Of course!!

**Turpin:** _gets heart in eyes_ Excellent, my friend!

**Sweeney:** …How 'bout a shave?

**Turpin:** Random question, but why not?

_Turpin sits in the chair, singing about pretty women…again. Sweeney drapes a sheet over him and takes out a razor._

**Turpin:** How seldom it is we meet a fellow man with similar tastes.

**Sweeney:** _darkly_ Similar tastes…in women at least…

**Turpin:** ...eh?

**Sweeney:** The years no doubt have changed me.

**Turpin:** _fear_ OMFG!! Benjamin Barker!!

**Sweeney:** BENJMAMIN FUCKING BARKER!! AAARRRRRGGGHH!! _stabby rip stab stab slice_

**Turpin:** _gag, gurgle, bleed_

_Sweeney, now covered in Turpin's blood, sends the judge through the trap door. He pauses for a moment, and then starts to rub his body with the blood in ecstasy._

**Sweeney:** _sigh_ I'm feeling better already. Ooh!

_He bends down and picks something off the floor._

**Sweeney:** My peanut. _eats_

**Johanna:** _achoo!!_

**Sweeney:** Another one??

_He runs over to the chest and opens it to see Johanna cowering with her hair now loose from the hat._

**Johanna:** I saw nothing! NOTHING!!

**Sweeney:** _shock_ My God…

**Johanna:** …??

**Sweeney:** Your hair…

_He picks her up by her shirt and throws her in his chair. Sweeney towers over herm raising his blade and blocking Johanna from our view. We hear snipping sounds, then Sweeney moves away from Johanna with a triumphant grin._

**Sweeney:** There! Your bangs are no longer in your eyes!!

**Johanna:** _horrified_

**Sweeney:** _leading her to the door_ Okay, love, time to leave. Oh, I almost forgot.

_He digs around his coat pockets. Johanna gasps as he extends his arm to her._

**Sweeney:** Here's a lollipop! And-

_He turns around and opens a box from the floorboard._

**Johanna:** _gasp_

_He pulls out a balloon and blows it up, ties it, and gives it to her._

**Sweeney:** That's for being a brave little girly!

**Johanna:** …..thank you….?

_Suddenly Mrs. Lovett is heard screaming bloody murder from the bake house. _

**Sweeney:** Oh dear. Must be off!! Bye now!!

_He leads her outside and sprints into the pie shop. Johanna stands in shock until Anthony runs back up the stairs. _

**Anthony:** I'm back. Hey, who cut your bangs?

**Johanna:** NO ONE!! LET"S GO!!

S_he drags him to the waiting carriage and shoves him in._

**Anthony:** Hey, where'd you get the balloon?

**Johanna:** DOESN"T MATTER!! _sticks head out of carriage door_ Drive, man!! DDDRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVE!!

_In the front seats, Sam and Kacee turn to face them. They grin wickedly and speed away._


	12. I love you not! : IRONY! : THE END!

_Scene switches to the bake house. Turpin is sprawled on the floor, clutching Mrs. Lovett's skirt. Hard to believe he's not dead, eh?_

**Mrs. Lovett:** DIE!! FUCK YOU!! DIIIIIIIIE!!

**Turpin:** GAG!! _dies_

**Mrs. Lovett:** Finally. Thought you'd never croak you rapist bastard!

_She kicks Turpin's body, then turns to look at the others. Her eyes rest on the beggar woman._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Aw, hell no! Not you!! FUCK!!

_She tries to drag the body toward the oven, but Sweeney bursts in. Damn, he's sexy in all that blood. drool_

**Sweeney:** What the hell is all the screaming about?!

**Mrs. Lovett:** _nervously_ Oh, Turpin was still alive...but he's real dead now!

**Sweeney:** Whatever. Let's get rid of these sorry fuckers. Open the oven door.

**Mrs. Lovett:** But-

**Sweeney:** Just do it!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Grrrrr!!

_She opens the oven. The light from raging fire lights up the room. Sweeney goes to grab the beggar woman and throw her in the oven, but pauses and gets a better look at her. His eyes widen._

**Sweeney:** "Don't I know you?" she said.

**Mrs. Lovett:** _face-palm_

**Sweeney:** Holy shit! It's Lucy!! What have I done?! Lucy!! NOOOOOOO!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Well, sucks to be you, Mr. T. But uh…_grabs a random tray of pastries_ I wanted to show you my new creation! I think I'll call them Hot Pockets!!

**Sweeney:** _knocks tray from her hands_ BITCH!! You fucking lied to me!! WTF??

**Mrs. Lovett:** No, no!! Not at all!!

**Sweeney:** …………… _glare_

**Mrs. Lovett:** Well, maybe a little…but it's only because I love you!! I told you at the beginning of the movie, remember??

**Sweeney:** _Grrrrr, growl, snarl, foam at mouth_

_He picks up a razor and starts for her, but suddenly stops._

**Sweeney:** Wait, you LOVE me?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Yes…very much so.

_There's a long pause. Suddenly he reaches for her. Mrs. Lovett tries to run but Sweeney pulls her closer and begins lead her in a dance around the room._

**Sweeney:** This is wonderful, my pet! I love you as well!!

**Mrs. Lovett:** _hearts in eyes _REALLY!!

**Sweeney:** Yes, of course I do! Now we must get to work to dispose of this filth!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Yes, my love! _hugs_ There's such work to be done!!

**Sweeney:** _hugs_ Yes…such…work. _evil grin_

_The scene cuts to the meat grinder. Sweeney is turning the crank, singing merrily. Mrs. Lovett's legs are sticking out of the meat grinder, kicking wildly. She's screaming in agony as her body is slowly crushed._

**Sweeney**: _singing_ Mr. Lovett, this is what you get for being a lying little whore!!

**Mrs. Lovett**: AAAAAAAGHHHH!! _crush! snap! dead!_

**Sweeney:** Well, now that that's taken care of…

_He turns to leave. As he skips away, Toby crawls out of the sewers and trips him. Sweeney yelps and falls…and lands on his razor. It cuts his throat._

**Sweeney**: OW, FUCK, IRONY!! _bleed, death!!_

**Toby**: ………_evil grin_

_And that's how it went! Turpin and Beadle Bamford went to hell where they were soon married. Lucy went to heaven….and turned into a new branch of hell. Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett's bodies were left to rot, but their tormented spirits still scare kids annually at Halloween. Anthony and Johanna escaped to America, where they became farmers and were eventually featured in a painting called "American Gothic." And little Toby crawled back into the sewers and emerged years later as "Jack the Ripper!" And as for Kacee and Sam…look behind you! Nah, just kidding, lol! So yes, 'twas a happy ending for all!! _

**THE FRIGGEN END!!**

_We're Sorry!  
We personally apologize if this story/spoof offended you in any way. If you are an extreme fan of Sweeney Todd, and were highly offended by this story from the start, then why the hell did you read the rest of it?! If you would like to complain about this, e-mail us and we'll send you more offensive stuff._

_Thanks for reading!!_


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